


The Better Part of Me

by Kaira00



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Deception, F/F, Married Characters, Transsexual Lexa, Unfaithfulness, Unplanned Pregnancy, mention of abortion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-05-29 21:28:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6394531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaira00/pseuds/Kaira00
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke's life had always been perfect. She had a loving husband, a mom and friends who would do anything just to see her happy. Until one day, she and her husband found out something that changes their lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Liam leaned down further on his recliner as he stretched out the cricked muscles of his arms and legs before putting his hands behind his head. He looked up to the ceiling then glanced at the digital wall clock to his left. It read 17:30H. He sighed then stood up. He stuffed all his personal belongings into his brief case. He then piled up the scattered papers on his desk and kept all the folders inside the drawer. He then walked to where the coat stand was then grabbed and dusted his coat and put it on over his broad shoulder. He inspected his small office once again, he always did this before walking outside and locking up the room. Satisfied, he went home. 

When he arrived home, he knocked three times on the front door. It's their house so there was no need to knock, but it's a habit he grew up with; to always knock before entering. No matter whose house it was. It's an etiquette his mother taught him when he was still little. Once inside the house, the smell of mouth watering dish coming from the kitchen had his stomach rumbling. He rub his middle as he smiled. His wife, Clarke, was sure to be cooking something delectable.

They'd been married for two years now. In fact, today was their second anniversary. Initially, they planned to have a family dinner to celebrate this memorable day. The day when she put another surname after her own. Clarke was about to send everyone a message of invitation when Liam suggested to just spend their special time alone together as he had something very important to tell his wife. Clarke gleefully agreed because like Liam, she also had something to spit out.

“Knocking before entering reminds me someone I knew you know.” Clarke said, making her presence at the back known. 

Liam closed his eyes, took a deep breath and drew a forced smile and relaxed his face before turning around to face his wife. 

“Clarke.”

“You're early, sweetheart.” Clarke damped the towel tissue she used to wipe her hands inside the bin then went to her husband to wrap her arms around his neck. She pecked his lips to welcome him. 

“Wouldn't want to be late even for a minute, Love.” He kissed back. 

“Oh that's sweet of you. Now why don't you go and wash up then help me prepare the table after you're done. How's that?” she said, rubbing the sides of her husbands arms.

Liam controlled the manner of his breathing. He didn't want Clarke to notice just how restless he was. He nodded; thinking that a shower would help him ease his nerves. So he extracted himself from his wife's warm embrace and went to the bathroom inside their bedroom. 

He emerged from the room twenty minutes later with his simple white tee and buggy sweatpants on. Their dinner was special, yes, but they agreed to have it in their most comfortable clothes.

After the simple yet romantic candle lit dinner, they were now settled on their tattered but cozy couch situated in the middle of their living room and in front of their TV; cuddling lazily. Clarke sat beside Liam, with her head resting at her husband’s left shoulder while Liam had his arm wrapped over Clarke's. The TV was on but the attention of the couple wasn't on the thirty-four-inches, flat screen equipment but rather on each other; stealing kisses and murmuring soft and sweet whispers here and there.

Liam shifted after emptying his cup in one go and was now nipping at the soft skin of his wife's neck. Clarke turned her head to the side so Liam could kiss the expanse of her throat. She giggled when he showered kisses behind her ear lobe then caught his face between her palms telling him it tickled. Liam just smiled, as if he didn't hear anything, he went on with his interrupted activity. 

“Hey..” She closed her eyes, feeling Liam's warm lips on her neck kept her from speaking coherently. But she managed to ask him what he was meaning to say before they had dinner. “You told me you had something in mind earlier, right?” She asked breathily. Lexa's eyes widened; suddenly being reminded of the reason why he wanted to have dinner on their own. He stopped what he was doing then sat up straight. He ran his hand through her disheveled brown locks; a gesture Clarke learned when they were still dating that it was what Liam does whenever he's tensed or nervous. 

When Clarke saw that Her husband’s mood changed she cupped his face again to make him look at her in the eyes. “Hey, I didn't ruin the mood, did I?” She asked. Brows knitted in concern. Her vibrant blue eyes changed to a duller shade now that she's worried. It's what usually happens when she's worried. Especially if it's her husband she's worried about. 

Liam straightened his back and took Clarke's hand in his; holding it for comfort. He smiled warmly, looking into his wife's gentle gaze. He kissed her forehead and went on. “Clarke.” He begun. “Before I say anything, I want you to know that I'm so in love with you and that I would do anything just to keep you.” He admitted. Clarke looked at him suspiciously but she pushed the budding bad idea to the back of her mind. Whatever this was, she didn't want to jump into a conclusion right away. “Is this a bad news or a good news?” Clarke inquired, feeling the urge to confirm it first. Liam chuckled as he rubbed Clarke's hand with his palm. “I think, well, it would depend on how you would perceive it.” He said nervously. Whatever he's going to say, he was uncertain as to what reaction he would get from the blonde. Clarke contemplated; still scanning her husband's face for anything that would give her a hint of what she's about to hear. But all she saw was the sincerity in his green eyes and the love that shone in them.

“Well, if that's the case, then, why don't you hear me out first? because I'm one-hundred-percent sure that mine is a good news!” She exclaimed.

Defeated, he motioned for his wife to go on. Clarke smiled again then kissed her husband’s forehead. She stood up and went to the bathroom. Liam heard a shuffling sound and thought that Clarke was looking for something. He was still nervous though, his hands werecold and clammy. After a few moments, the shuffling and grunting had stopped. Right then, he also felt his heart stopped its torturous drumming against his chest. 

Clarke came out of the bathroom with her hands behind her back. For a second, liam was confused with the gesture.

“Well?” He asked. 

“Liam..” She paused then she inhaled deeply. “I'm.. pregnant!” Clarke almost squeak as soon as the words left her mouth. She held the pregnancy kit strip in front of her chest as she proudly showed Liam the two red line on the strips; telling him that she's indeed a life growing inside of her. A toothy smile extending from ear to ear was plastered on her face, showing how happy she was telling Liam this great news. 

Liam sat on the couch. Suddenly, he didn't know how to move. He was wide eyed staring at Clarke. He was stiff, frozen in place with mouth hanging open and a slacked jaw. 

Clarke's smile faltered due to her husband's reaction. Or rather, to her husband's unexpected reaction. She dropped her hands down and walked to where Liam was still dumbfounded. Clarke waved her hands in front of his face which brought him back down to earth and into their home. 

Liam blinked a few times. “Liam, honey?” Clarke whispered. “I, I.. Yes Ca-Clarke?” He stammered.

“Are you okay?” She asked. 

“Of course.. I was.. I mean, where were we?”

Clarke gave him a small smile. Still sitting in front of her husband, she said it again. “I'm pregnant.” Liam was taken aback. Clearly, this wasn't what he expected to hear from his wife. 

“Oh..” Was all he could say.

“Are.. Are you mad?” Clarke's worried voice sent him to his nerves; making him more aware of their current situation. “I thought you’d be happy since mom and our friends have been pestering us about when we will give them their little bundle of joy.” She said in a sad tone. 

“Mad? Clarke no! God no!” He assured her. “I'm just, wow, really? I mean, yes, you are pregnant!”

Clarke chuckled, if she was reading it right, her husband was still in disbelief that they had finally conceived. 

“So are you happy?” Clarke was still unsure.

“Happy? Of course I am!” He smiled then lifted his wife then he spun them around. Clarke chuckled as she was put back down. “I've never been happy, love.” He kissed his wife softly, his forehead leaning against hers. He embraced his wife again and buried his face at the crook of heer neck inhaling her flowery scent. 

Suddenly, he felt his chest ached and guilt erased the smile on his face. He was thankful that Clarke couldn't see the moist collecting at the corner of his eyes. Whatever he was going to tell to his wife, it had been set aside for later.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finds something out.

"There. That will patch you up." Costia patted the band-aid she placed where Liam had just received his shot.

"Thanks, Dr. Costia." He teased. "I'm sorry you have to come and give me my shot." He said as he rolled down the sleeve of his shirt.

"It's no problem. I didn't have patients at the clinic anyway." Costia winked. He sighed and stood up and went to the small counter he had inside his office; pouring two cups of coffee. He handed Costia her mug and took a sip from his before she sat back to his recliner.

"I'm sorry that's all I can offer you here in my office."

"Oh it's okay. I'm already planning to replace my water consumption with coffee." She chuckled.

"Addict."

"Hmmm. Tasty." She said as she set the cup on the table. She licked her lips before continuing. "And I'm not an addict. It just happened that coffee and I have a very serious commitment to each other." She said playing with the handle of her cup. When she looked up at Liam who was staring at her with wide eyes, she licked her lips again.

"Cost.." He said warningly as he set his cup down.

"I know. I'm sorry. Anyway, how are things with Clarke?.. Have you..."

"No. I haven't." Liam said before she could finish her question.

"Oh.. Then I guess we have to wait for the right time before we tell her."

"I don't think there'd be a right time anymore.” he sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"She's pregnant, Cos." Costia coughed a few times as she choked on her coffee. It took a few hard cough from her a lot of back rub from Liam before she was able to catch her breath again.

"What-do-you-mean-she's-pregnant?" She asked in between hiccups.

"You heard me. She's pregnant. She has a life inside of her." He said pointing to his middle. He stood up as his irritation flared up. He took off his glasses and massaged his temples.

“How come, Liam?”

“I don't know.”

“And you didn't ask her?”

Liam shook his head. “No.” He said simply.

“Liam, please don't tell me you're okay with it.”

“Costia, she's pregnant. What's the big deal?”

“You know what I mean, Liam. She's pregnant with-”

“Enough! Please say no more, Costia.” He set down his cup and walked over to Costia. Holding her face between his hands. “But I promise I'm going to tell her and ask her about everything okay?” He pressed their foreheads together. A knock on a door followed by a sudden door opening separated the two from their comfortable position.

“Liam- oh.” It was his wife. Liam was surprised to see Clarke in his office unannounced. He hoped that she didn't see them in what seemed to be an intimate position. He didn't want Clarke to suspect him having an affair with a friend.

“Costia? Is that really you?” She threw herself to her, they were friends in college and was in love with the same girl back then. But it didn't gap their friendship, they just lost their communications when they went with their separate lives. So seeing Costia today was like seeing a ghost from her past. A good ghost though.

“What are you doing here?” She asked looking in between her husband and her friend. “I didn't know you two know each other?” She asked.

Liam's hand began to sweat, he's nervous as hell. He didn't know what to say, he wasn't good at lying especially if he's caught in the act. Luckily, Costia sensed his restlessness and was quick to come up with an excuse.

“Well, my husband worked with him once and then we became friends.” She smiled, hoping Clarke would buy it.

“Oh… Oh… Yeah of course. It's a small world after all. Wait you're married?”

“Of course!! I'm married. With a guy.” She chuckled nervously.

“Yeah. With a guy. I mean, you're a girl.” They both laughed. “So, any news from lexa?” And Liam choked on his coffee which earned a concerned look from the two women. But he just waved them off.

“I've, uhm..” He looked to Liam who was busying himself with his coffee. “I've never heard anything from hi-her! Since she left.” She nodded, proud of herself for correcting her error.

“Oh. I wonder where she is right now.”

“My guess is that she's very happy right now. I mean, maybe she's somewhere where her heart wanted her to be. Anyway, I got to go. See around, Clarke. Liam?” Liam nodded. And she quickly exited the room that felt so uncomfortable with them three being there.

“So.” She turned to him.

“So?” He asked, keeping his composure.

“I came here to have lunch with my favorite man and to remind him of our date later.” She said wrapping her arms around his neck; kissing him sweetly.

“Jake would be jealous if he heard you saying that.” He mumbled against her lips. They both laughed lightly.

“I'm sure he will. Now let's go, I'm starving.”

“After you, my lady.” They walked out of his office hand in hand, he prayed to all the gods for Clarke not to notice how cold and sweaty his hand was. And thankfully, she didn't which a relief to him.

 

///

 

He went home to take a shower before picking up Clarke from her work, he only had 30 minutes so he went directly to the bathroom.

He ran his hand through the fogged mirror of their bathroom; creating a zigzag clear pattern. Then he felt his beard, it's been a week now since he last shaved. He wanted to grow his beard but clarke wanted him to be clean shaven. He was only allowed about half an inch facial hair for a few days and then Clarke would tell him to shave or he won't have a kiss. He smiled at the thought, and his smile grew wider as he noticed that the small area just under his lower lip was starting to grow some hair. He'd been waiting for it to grow and now that it had, there’s no way he’s shaving it. Even if clarke would force him to.

He chuckled. His clarke. After being married for two years, he still couldn't believe that the blonde was already his.

He was done showering and now it's time to pick up clarke from her work to have their dinner date. They never stopped going out on a date even after they got married. It was something they do to keep the romance burning. Not that it would die out soon though because Liam knew that Clarke was the one. So when he learned back then that clarke was already single, he didn't waste any second in declaring his undying love towards the blonde even if they’d just known each other for almost a month. If clarke only knew. He thought.

As he parked his car, he went directly to clarke’s office without bothering to stop at the reception seeing the time that her shift had ended five minutes ago. As he neared clarke’s office, he heard a very familiar male voice talking to his wife in a not so very friendly tone. He stopped for a second, or rather got stuck in place. What they were talking was unclear but it was obvious that his wife needed her at that moment. Instinct took over him so her grabbed the knob and was about to open the door when someone from the inside pulled the door open; revealing a flushed face man.

The two men frozen in place. He knew the guy but he wasn't sure if his eyes were playing tricks on him. He was a few inches taller than liam, probably four inches taller but he was more muscular and a better looking guy. They stared at each other, but then liam remembered that he was not being respectful to his wife and his anger was slowly taking over him. Just when the air was about to thickened between them, liam was pulled inside by his wife.

“Scott, you need to go now!” clarke growled. And Scott did what he was demanded.

“Scott.” liam whispered. Now he remember who he was. No wonder he was so familiar; he was his wife’s ex for goodness sake. He knew but he didn't show it to clarke. After all Clarke didn't know how he knew Scott.

“Who's that?” he asked, feigning innocence as to who the guy was and about what he heard.

Clarke sighed. But to liam, she was sighing due to relief from not being caught at whatever they were talking or doing.

“He’s… he's the father of my patient who died earlier.” was clarke’s excuse. If liam didn't know their history, he would have believed Clarke. But he did, so he just pretended to believe her. After all he had his share of secrets to keep. clarke knew that liam would not push further whenever she mentioned about a dead patient. She felt bad having to use her patients as an excuse to save herself from her husband’s questions.

“Oh. okay… then, shall we?” he extended his hand for clarke to take but the blonde shook her head. “Actually, i'm a little tired. Is it okay if we cancel our dinner date tonight?”

Now that was unexpected. He had walked to a crying clarke because of work problems or angry parents just like a few moments ago but she never cancelled their date. Sensing his wife's troubled behavior, he didn't ask anymore.

“Okay, let me take you home, love.”

They drove in silence with Clarke's arms protectively wrapped around herself. She even refused Liam's comfort. It's like she's protecting herself from some kind of unwanted touch.

When they reached home, Clarke went straight to their room. She changed her clothes fast and was under the covers without saying anything to her husband. Liam did the same, he changed into more comfortable clothes and went under the covers. He wanted to snuggle with his wife but he knew any form of contact right now would make Clark uncomfortable. So he kept his distance.

Later, Clark was the one who initiated the the skin contact and Liam was ready to welcome her. She buried her face in the crook of Liam's neck. He face her fully and wrapped her arms around her tightly, silently saying that he's there to protect her from anything. She cried but Liam didn't ask why, instead he just squeezed her tighter.

Liam's shirt was already soaked when Clarke fell asleep. It was the first time Clarke cried like that. He didn't ask why, because he already knew the answer. And he didn't say he understood, because he knew Clarke already knew that.

It was already midnight when Clarke felt the need for a fresh air. She went down to get a glass of water for herself. Usually, she would ask Liam but seeing her husband in deep sleep, she didn't bother him anymore.

The water was soothing to her dry throat. Having to cry a lot was dehydrating. She was about to go back upstairs when she noticed that the room where they kept their old belongings was slightly opened.

She decided to just let it be but something caught her curiosity and went near the door. She held the knob and went inside. Turning on the lights, her eyes immediately landed to an old briefcase which she never saw before.

It was kept hidden under the small space beneath the cabinet. She didn't know why, but her heart was beating so fast like she was about to find out something she wasn't supposed to. She argued whether to pull out the files or not; thinking that she might be invading Liam's privacy. But she thought that Liam was her husband, and whatever Liam owned, she owned it as well. So she prepared herself for something surprising.

She pulled out the papers and laid it on top of the table, her eyes went wide as she took in all the informations she read. She gasped when she saw the picture of someone from her past. A picture of the woman she'd been hopelessly in love with.

A picture of Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I said I would be adding characters, but instead I deleted some and just settled for a few because this is just a four chapter long, so yeah. 
> 
> Still, all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To my trans men brothers, I might have written something that could be offensive to you all. But I want you to understand that this is how I imagined how a wife would react if she finds out that her husband is a trans guy and has been keeping his true self from her. And I want you to know that I'm gay and not some kind of a homophobic straight girl trying to insult anyone. 
> 
> I also wrote some suicidal attempts, so uhm.. Don't read if you think that these are too much. 
> 
> And oh, I apologize if I haven't been responding to any of your comments/questions. I Don't want my reply to add to the number of the comments and I'd like to keep it that way.

_3 months ago…_

_“You're really leaving.” He said with a heavy sigh and a pout he didn't know he's making as he shoved the last bits of cereal into his mouth while Clarke sipped from her mug, smiling as she did._

_She put her mug down, biting her lower lip to hide a smile. “Babe, we've talked about it. And it's not like I'll be gone for ten years. It's only three days. I'll be back before you miss me.”_

_“And I miss you already.” He pouted harder. Clarke rolled her eyes. It's true that men were just big version of toddlers._

_“It's just three days babe…" she repeated, cupping Liam's face and kissing his pout away. "And that's why I let you have your ways with me last night so you'll have something to reminisce to help you make it through those three days.” She said, straddling Liam's lap. Liam grinned and held his wife's waist closer to him._

_“Can I have my way again with you before you go?” He asked innocently._

_Clarke playfully acted that she's giving a thought about it, but before she could give him her answer, Liam had already scooped her up and carried her to their bedroom making Clarke squeak._

_She was going out of the country to attend a three day medical convention, and Liam was being so clingy. She couldn't blame him though, because this was the first time they'd be separated after they got married. Usually, she would take Liam wherever she went with her, but this time, he's stuck with too much paperworks in his office, and if he would go with her, he might just end up staying in the hotel, finishing said work. So he decided to stay and allow themselves to miss each other for a while._

_Three days later.._

_Clarke was drunk. Like, really, really drunk she could not remember how she reached the hotel and ended up in her room. She groaned as her head pounded like she was hit by a hammer multiple times and the buzzing of her phone just made it worst._

_She reached for her phone and swiped it shut. Relieved that the agonizing sound had ended, she sat up straight and ran her hands through her disheveled locks. To her surprise, she was so naked. No shirt, no pants, totally nude._

_She couldn't remember anything clearly from last night aside from the loud music, body dancing so close to each other and her, enjoying the night with her friends. They partied like they were a bunch of teenagers and not professional adults. There were booze. Lots of it everywhere. She saw familiar faces; her previous mentors, old colleagues, friends and some familiar faces and someone she least expected to come across with. Her ex._

_The next thing she remembered was him coming towards her as he pushed his way through the crowds, she remembered pushing him away because he was dangerously occupying her personal space. She remembered him, backing away and cursing something under his breath and then... She blacked out._

_She scanned her surroundings with squinting eyes, still adjusting to the dim lit hotel room. She was in her room, thankfully, and that put her at ease, knowing that she ended up inside the right room. But her mouth dropped open when she noticed that her black tight dress along with her favorite black matching undies she wore to the convention party last night weren't alone on the floor. She panicked as she realized that something was not right. And her panic turned to dread when something- someone, shifted beside her._

_She gasped so loud that it startled the sleeping person awoke. And it threw her off balance and off the bed, landing butt first on the carpeted hotel floor when she saw the face of said person. She gasped again and her eyes went impossibly wide when she recognized who she spent her night with._

_“SCOTT!!” Was all she could say._

 

///

 

Liam woke up to piles of papers thrown to his face. He jolted upright from his back to see a very furious Clarke. He looked at the papers and his eyes widened in horror. Around him, were his transition documents. From the first day of his hormonal therapy to his surgeries, he's change of names and other legal papers and his latest visit to Dr. Costia.

“Clarke?” It was barely audible, he's voice cracking. “I- I can explain.” He pleaded.

“Yeah explain to me, Liam. Or should I call you Lexa?” Liam gulped. Clarke knew.

“Explain to me how could you do this to me. Explain to me how have you been hiding from me for all these years. Explain to me how do you sleep knowing that you've been lying to me from the day we first dated to this very moment, Lexa.” Liam couldn't meet Clarke's eyes. He didn't know where to start, there was a lot and he wasn't sure how to begin.

He felt himself shaking and his eyes were fixed on his trembling hands; vision blurry from the unshed tears. “Tell me how have you been fucking me with that fake dick of yours.” His ears rang after hearing the last sentence. He stood up and faced Clarke with a changed facial expression which made the blonde stepped back.

He was guilty but he felt something inside him stir.

“Yes Clarke, I've been fucking you with my fake dick. Hell, I even fucked you with a toy back then when we were still dating!” He flinched at his own words and felt bile rising up to his throat; making him nauseated. But he swallowed them all and went on. “And guess what? You never seemed to notice!” Clarke gritted her teeth. She wanted to slap Liam but her hands were busy clenching into a fist as her body was shaking from anger building up inside her.

“And before you say anything about lying, let me ask you this: How did you get pregnant?” The words left his mouth without him thinking. He knew that he would regret it later, but what's done was done, and there was no way he could take it all back.

Clarke's eyes widened at the question. She wasn't prepared for it and her anger had made her forget something so important that she'd been dying and failing to confess to her husband. Realizing that she'd been caught off guard, it's her turn to fix her gaze on her feet. “How can you surprise me with your pregnancy on our anniversary saying that we made it. Tell me Clarke?” _Shut it Liam! Stop you're reckless mouth from saying anything to hurt her!_  “But you know what? I don't need any of your explanations. Because I already know the answer. But did you hear me say anything? Did I ever mistreat you for sleeping with someone?” _That's it, this is the part where you're going to regret this forever._ His inner voice told him, but he went on nonetheless. “Never, right? Because you know why? because I love you so damn much that I went along with your act. I love you so much that I changed myself into who I am right now. Because I know you will never love me if I was Lexa. Because you're this gorgeous blonde girl who was so famous and had all the guys lining up in your front door and was very good being a doctor and an artist and you were so so straight that you couldn't even look at me when I told you I was gay!” He choked at the last word. “But I was so in love with you and I vowed to myself that I'm going to marry you someday and that's why here I am." He pointed himself. "A man. And I still love you so much it hurts.”  
he blinked a few times to steady his ragged breathing.

The silence was defeating. It was too much and it was hurting them both. When his breathing went back to normal and his heart was no longer beating twice as much, he tried to reach out to his wife, hoping that she would understand his reasons for hiding the truth. But Clarke snapped back to reality and stared straight to Liam's eyes with pure guilt and hurt in her eyes. Liam knew that the damage had been done and there was no fixing it. Just when Liam's hand was about to touch hers, she turned around and exited their room with a loud bang on the door, leaving Liam to deal alone with his mess.

Liam's hand hang in mid air as if waiting for Clarke to take it. When it registered to him that Clarke was no longer there, he had retracted his hand and ran it through his hair and fisted them on his head as he repeatedly cursed himself for being so stupid.

He grunted and stood and started to throw all the things he laid hands on. Sounds of objects hitting the walls and glasses shattering to pieces filled their room.

He hit the mirror on the cabinet, he hit the stoned wall, he hit their bedroom door and he would even hit himself if he could until he could not bear hitting anything at all as his fist bled and pain was stinging due to broken bones.

Their entire room was now as ruined as their lives and he knew without a doubt that there was no way he could fix it. Clarke now knew his deepest secret and he doubted if his wife could ever forgive him for keeping it.

He tossed and turned on the bed, after all that happened, sleep was nowhere to be found. The sun was inching its way through the horizon and soon, it would completely take over the darkness.

He went downstairs to check up on his wife and he wasn't surprised when he couldn't find her anywhere. Maybe she went to her mom, or to her friends or maybe to her lover.

He would be lying to himself if he said he never suspected his wife to have an affair. After all, that's the only explanation how she got pregnant. But she never acted weird around him like how a cheating wife acted on the nightly TV drama he fond of watching. Clarke also never came home with a different scent lingered on her clothes every time he sneaked to the laundry room to sniff her discarded clothing whenever she came home late with an obvious lame excuses. And the lack of any suspicious behavior from his wife baffled Liam so much. But like what he said, he didn't need explanations. He loved Clarke so much and knowing that she's married to him was enough to put Liam to sleep every night.

He didn't go to work that day, thinking that Clarke might come home later and if she did, he wanted to be there. He tidied up their bedroom after he bandaged his bloody knuckles and made a mental note to ask his wife to examine his hand for any broken bones.

He went through the papers and suddenly he was reminded of the things he went through during his transition. There were rejections from the people mattered to him. There were bullies, lots and lots of them. There were times he felt like giving up and there were moments that cutting his wrist and bleeding to unconsciousness were easier than breathing.

Feeling the scars on his wrists made him want to do those things again. How easy it would be to just sleep and forget everything. He felt a warm tear ran down his right cheek, it'd been years since he allowed himself to shed tear after he made himself believed that big girls don't cry and even if they do, he still didn't allow himself to cry because he wasn't a girl anymore. He was now Liam, a grown up man and was now living the way he should.

He turned to the broken mirror and saw the shards on the floor. He heard them calling to him, telling him to pick them up and feel them cut through his scarred skin again. He reached out to the nearest shard and held it tight that his hand started to bleed. With shaking hands, he pointed the cold piece to his pulse, all he had to do was sliced through his skin and everything would be over. He would never feel pain again.

He was about to do it when suddenly, a picture of two happy people at the far corner of the room frozen him in place. It was their wedding picture. Clarke on her beige wedding dress and him, on his matching beige suit. They were happy, they were carefree, and the emotion that stood above all, was they were in love.

His vision became blurry and warm liquids gushed down to his cheeks. He was wrong, big girls do cry. And sometimes, grown men do too.

It was all too much and the next thing he knew he was now running. Running like someone was chasing after him and running to nowhere and from no one.

 

///

 

It was dark when he dragged himself back to their house. The door was unlocked and the first thing he thought was that Clarke was home because she's always forgetting to lock the door. He reminded her every time but his wife only chuckled and said that she didn't need to lock the door to feel safe, being wrapped in his arms was enough to make her feel secure. He smiled at the thought, hoping that this time, his arms would also be enough to fix the mess he made.

To his surprise, the entire house was oddly quiet. If Clarke was home, then the house would be anything but silence. He checked the kitchen first, knowing that it's where Clarke would usually be by this hour, preparing their dinner. But when he remembered what happened earlier, he figured that Clarke would still be too upset to be in the kitchen. Next he checked their bedroom, and found that it was still how he left it before he went running away. The backyard was also how it had been, unplowed and unattended.

He started to panic but he calmed himself by thinking that perhaps Clarke never came home. He went to the kitchen again to get himself a glass of water. He gulped one full glass and poured himself another one and did the same thing as he slammed the fridge’s door shut.

On the fridge's door, there he saw something he never expected. He would have choked on the water hadn't he finished drinking when he saw the letter pinned on the fridge. And the silence was disturbed by the sound of the glass hitting the floor and breaking into pieces.

He took the slightly crumpled paper with shaking hands. Across the letter, there were sad tears traces seen, smudging the blue ink Clarke used to write. He reached for the chair behind him and sat down, knowing that this would make his knees weak soon. He gulped as he read the the first sentence.

 

_Lexa/Liam_

_I hope that the reason for this letter is obvious._

_I was going to tell you everything but every time I try, fear overcomes me. I was so scared that all I could was watch the days pass by._

_When I found out I'm pregnant, I got more scared to tell you because you might think that the baby isn't yours even though you still don't know what happened. I guess I was just a little paranoid. But in all honesty, I was really sure that they're yours, not until last night obviously._

_I want you to know that, I was so in love with you back then but I thought you were straight that's why I kept my distance to keep myself from falling harder for a straight girl when our friendship wasn't enough for sleep to come at me every night._

He sighed deeply as he looked up the ceiling to take a break from reading. _Clarke was already in love with me even when I was still Lexa._ He thought.

_Then you told me you were gay, and it was a lot to take in so I ignored you for some time to gather myself. To find the courage I need to confess my undying love to you. But when I found the courage to tell you how I felt, I learned that you were already seeing Costia. And it really broke my heart so I said yes to Scott. And then you left. Without saying a word to me._

_I broke up with him some time after because it never felt right. I couldn't love him back because God, how can I love when you took my heart with when you left? And it really sucked by the way. It angered him when I couldn't give him a lucid reason and he almost hit me. Almost._

_And I think, he never forgave me for what I did._

_Then out of nowhere, I had a neighbor named Liam. And I instantly fell in love with you and I would never know why. But last night, I finally knew why. Because all along, you were the love of my life. If you told me how you felt about me when you were still Lexa, you could've saved yourself all the troubles you went through just to be Liam. All you had to do was stay, Lex, and tell me you want me. But I want you to know that I love you, whether you are Lexa or Liam. That's why I married you. But I guess it doesn't matter now, huh?_

_I don't want to stop this pregnancy because I already love them but I can't live with you anymore knowing that I slept with someone else while we're married. Well, it's not like I intentionally slept with someone, because in my defense, I was so drunk that I couldn't remember anything. I know it sounds unbelievable and so insane and that I'm trying to reason out my mistake, but that's the truth. So to lessen the guilt, I'm leaving you._

_I don't think I'd ever have the guts to be still married to you after what happened. I'm horrible, I know. And I know that you would never want to see me again so I'll have my lawyer send you the papers needed for, well you know what for._

_I want you to be happy. Find someone who deserve your love and kindness, because clearly, I don't deserve you._

_goodbye,_  
_Clarke_

 

He couldn't believe what he was his reading. He read it again. And again. But no, it still didn't make sense. He still couldn't understand every word was written. Except for three: I'm leaving you.

He stormed to their bedroom and looked around, half of the things were gone. Clarke's part of the closet was almost empty. The only things left were those unimportant to his wife.

His breathing became heavy, his knees went weak. His heart was beating so loud and fast it's the only thing he could hear. Why? He didn't tell her to leave. He didn't despise her. He didn't want divorce. Hell he didn't even want to know who was the real father of the child, all he wanted was to clear things with his wife.

He read her letter again, then there it was: I'm horrible, I know. Clarke thought she's horrible, that's why she left. And she thought that he never wanted to see her again so she'll have her lawyer to… To…

Liam fell to his knees. Clutching the paper to his chest, holding himself together as he himself falling apart.

This wasn't happening. He couldn't lose her now that he had her. This just all a dream and tomorrow, he would wake up to the arms of his loving wife in the crisp of the morning air.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think about this one and all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Thanx!!


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